Today's passage is Matthew 26:17-30.
To celebrate Passover, Jesus tells the disciples to go to a man they don't know in Jerusalem and tell him Jesus' appointed time has come and they will celebrate at his house.
During the meal, Jesus tells the disciples one of them will betray him. They all say, Surely not I. When Judas asks, Jesus says it is he. Jesus turns to the meal and says the bread is his body and the wine is his blood shed for the forgiveness of sins. They sing a hymn and go to the Mount of Olives.
Every one of the disciples worries that he will be the betrayer. Every one of the disciples protests his innocence because every one of them has a guilty heart. Every one of them knows he is capable of doing the deed. Just like me.
Betrayal always lurks in my heart. I am tempted to betray others so that I can be first. I will downplay others' merits. I will tell half-truths and outright lies in order to preserve my prideful self-image.
Judas gives himself away when he addresses Jesus as Rabbi, Teacher, while all the other disciples call him Lord.
Judas echoes the title Jesus gave them when they went to the unknown man to request his house for the celebration of Passover.
For Judas, Jesus is just a teacher, not the Lord, not the Messiah.
His use of Teacher instead of Lord tells Jesus that Judas is the betrayer.
Hatred of a betrayer is so deeply rooted in us that we often can't distinguish between it and righteous action.
Students will not betray the thief in their midst. Solidarity to the group is the unwritten rule.
Office workers will betray their family duty and responsibility in order to not betray a drunken boss keeping all the workers out at a restaurant or bar until well past midnight.
Society condemns the whistle-blower who betrays his company for corruption.
Sometimes we need betrayers.
Jesus recognized this when he said, "The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him.
But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man!" Is the world so broken by sin that God chose to use sin in order to clean the world of it?
Here is a great mystery I cannot understand.
What I do understand, though, is my betrayal of myself.
This is a sin I have repeatedly committed.
Jesus died for the forgiveness of my sins. He paid the price.
By accepting his forgiveness through faith, I go free. My problem is that I don't always forgive myself. That's how I betray myself.
In my heart, I would like to deserve forgiveness because I don't want to see myself quite as sinful as I am. So the compromise I make is that I accept God's forgiveness of my sins, but I don't forgive myself for them.
What this means is that I betray myself as a forgiven sinner.
I point the finger at myself and condemn myself.
The example that stays with me is my behavior towards my first wife. It's multi-layered.
By denying her alcoholism, I gave her permission to keep on drinking.
By denying her alcoholic abuse of our children, I ceased to be a protective father to my children.
By caring only for body in her last month of life and not for her spirit or her salvation, I broke my marriage covenant with her.
By having an affair at the same time, I further broke faith with her and God.
Although I felt immense shame when I had to face my denial, it took many years before I actually saw what I'd done as sins.
Once I confessed my sins, I could accept God's forgiveness with such deep gratitude.
But I didn't forgive myself. I kept betraying my God-forgiven self.
My workaholicism and my perfectionism are tied up with my betrayal of myself.
By doing a lot of things really, really well, I can somehow kid myself that I partially deserve God's forgiveness.
And if I can feel that, then I can forgive myself.
But it's all just a complicated lie!
I don't deserve God's forgiveness and I will never deserve his forgiveness.
I'm a sinner that he loves.
And I'm called to love myself in a similar way, forgiven as an undeserving sinner.
To forgive myself and accept that forgiveness is to draw closer to God.
To refuse to forgive myself is to betray myself. There is no middle ground.
Thank you, Lord, for your great forgiveness. Help me always to ask for it and always to accept it. Keep me from betraying you, betraying others and betraying myself. Let me always be mindful of your love.
