Today's passage is Matthew 20:17-28.
Jesus tells the disciples the three part plan in Jerusalem: to be betrayed, to be condemned, to be crucified and raised from the dead.
The mother of Zebedee's sons asks Jesus to be placed on his right and left hand in his kingdom. He says the Father has already assigned them. The other disciples angrily express their jealousy. Jesus tells them all that whoever wants to be great must become a servant like him who came to serve not to be served.
Today's passage is another blow aimed at my desire to be special. I wonder if the mother of the Zebedee boys thought Jesus' kingdom was going to be a worldly one. Probably.
I remember the first time I met an archbishop.
He expected me to kiss his ring. I shook his hand instead and wished I was an archbishop so I could have people kiss my ring.
When I read stories or watch movies of heroes getting the royal treatment and being glorified, I feel the twinge of envy. I want to be served not serve.
Today at my school the elementary children had their sports day, which was a lot of fun. I like playing with those little guys. I showed some of them how to do cartwheels and we had fun practicing.
The mothers of the children, members of the Parent Association, were there and talked to me, telling me how much they like me being principal and wanted me to stay at the school until their children graduated!
I felt tired just thinking about it!
They made me see the fun I have with kids as service and that made me tired.
How perverse!
I had to leave the sports day early to go to an embassy function, which is part of my job. Embassy events make me uncomfortable.
Somebody opens the car door for me.
Today there were young men tossing rose petals at us as we shook hands with embassy officials.
Drinks and snacks were handed to us and the empties whisked away.
Every effort was made to make us feel special, but it was all as empty as the Zebedee boys' desire to sit beside Jesus, who warned them that suffering was the price of glory.
My second favorite part of Sunday worship is cleaning the cafeteria.
I like it because I'm obsessive-compulsive and making that mess of tables and chairs clean and straight gives me real pleasure.
Even though it's preparation for students of Hweemoon school, I see it as getting things ready for Jesus.
A few times Pastor Kim stops on her way out to say thank you to us.
That's a big reward. It reminds me to say thank you to my teachers and office workers at school.
Whenever I serve with a good will, I do my duty.
Whenever I serve with the purpose of hoping for a reward, I am looking to be served.
Whenever I focus on myself, I want to be served.
Whenever I focus on the service itself, I am serving.
That's what I've learned about myself and today's passage helps me see.
What's curious about doing any mission is that at some point it changes from what it began as. If I began cleaning with a good heart, it changes to a hope that Pastor Kim will see me.
If it begins with the hope that Pastor Kim will see me, it changes to simply doing my best and forgetting all about her. I have no purity, no consistency.
Lord, help me to lose sight of myself in my doing and drop the desire to be special. Let me feel the joy of doing my duty for your sake, in holy imitation of your service to me.
