One of the comments on the QT sharing of Proverbs 6 on July 12th arrested me: ampldquoWe should set realistic boundaries that we can manage with faith.amprdquo The Proverbs passage talked about making pledges, being trapped by what we say, and ampldquoensnared by the words of your mouthamprdquo (6:2) and urged us to ampldquofree yourself amphellip from the hand of the hunteramprdquo (6:5). All this might have washed over me had it not been for a request from someone I realized was a parasitic hunter. I had met him many years before and had got him to come to Wooridle a couple of times and join the original foreigners mokjang a few times. He always seemed to be in trouble and I felt a misplaced responsibility for him, which he exploited.
Last week he wanted me and my school to be part of a business scheme he was newly involved in. Suddenly I saw what I had done to myself by not setting realistic boundaries. I had ensnared myself with my words and I needed to free myself from a hunter. My application was to tell this man that from henceforth I would be staying within the boundaries of my school and my church. I would not help him with his scheme to use the reputation of me and my school for his business purposes. By Godamprsquos grace, I freed myself from the snare.
This episode made me reflect deeply on Proverbs 6. The beauty of QT is that it can lead you to seeing yourself more objectively over time. But it takes time. It takes years of asking yourself, What is my sin? As if there is only one! In my sixteen years at Wooridle, I came to see my ongoing sins of pride, anger, impatience, lack of understanding, lack of compassion, and lack of care. I was always repenting and making applications, but nothing seemed to change in me. I was still the same man whipsawed by my desires for this and that.
I have done lots of things in my life but they werenamprsquot connected to an overall plan I diligently worked towards. And very often they were trespasses on boundaries, which got me in trouble and led me to Korea. But, of course, the same problems continued to dog me. Since coming here, all I consistently did was go to worship and mokjang, read the Bible, help out at the church with cleaning and setting, and complain about the way things were organized. I had no spiritual zeal that might unify my life and help othersamprsquo salvation. I was a self-righteous pharisee.
In my conversations I sometimes referred to a college friend who had a more successful career in education than I did. I was a little jealous of his success but not his life, which seemed rather boring. On his part, he felt a little jealous of my much more varied life with its ups and downs, disasters, and self-inflicted hardships. He compared my life to a movie. Some movie! An alcoholic wife, the loss of my pension, adultery, estrangements from my children, job loss, loneliness and suicidal thoughts. Thatamprsquos not a happy movie.
When I look at my life of constant trespasses on boundaries, I wonder why God sustained me with his grace through it all and brought me to Wooridle with a new wife and a new job. Iamprsquoll probably never know, but Iamprsquom deeply grateful. How do I express that gratitude, however?
What Proverbs 6 and the pastoramprsquos comment have done for me is to point out an underlying issue that, like my first wifeamprsquos alcoholism, I didnamprsquot see because I didnamprsquot want to. If I saw it, then I would become responsible for it and that I didnamprsquot want. I constantly trespassed on boundaries in my life with the inevitable negative consequences I refused to own, preferring to blame others and circumstances. I failed to set realistic boundaries for myself that I could manage with faith.
Now that I see this, Iamprsquom in a bit of a fix because I have to do something about it. Even though Iamprsquom old and have more life behind me than ahead of me, I still have to set realistic boundaries. To do that and to manage them with faith, I will need my spiritual community, which supports and sustains me. That will be my ongoing application. God have mercy.
