Matthew 5:21-32. Iamprsquom sorry.
I know I have to apologize when Iamprsquove said or done something wrong, but I donamprsquot like doing it most of the time. My curses come quickly, my repentance slowly. Rare is the occasion when I am overwhelmed by the stupidity of my words or actions or the absolute error of what Iamprsquove done and actually apologize with sincerity.
One of those occasions was my expulsion of a boy from my school when he punched another boy in the face, stung beyond his endurance by teasing. A week later I reinstated the boy and apologized to him and his parents. The reinstated boy went on to become an outstanding graduate of our school. The incident made realize just how sinfully impatient and angry I can be instead of calm and wise because I donamprsquot genuinely seek Godamprsquos guidance in advance. I tend to act out of my own sinful power.
When my children were small, I was most always tired because of my long days of work and study. So often I failed to love them and dismissed them angrily or impatiently, anxious only for some selfish peace and calm in what I considered my harried life. The result is that my memory is now scarred with the incidents of hurt and occasional apologies instead of moments of joy or moments of shared calm and love. I look back on my days of parenthood mostly with sadness at my failure because I know I am the author of my own sin. I have no excuse.
When I meditated on todayamprsquos word --ampldquoBut I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister is subject to judgementamprdquo--I could only cry out to God again for forgiveness for the past occasions that come to mind.
I donamprsquot always know when I am going to be caught by surprise with my sinful anger but there are many danger areas of life I do know and ought to be prepared by praying ahead of time for Godamprsquos Spirit: getting home after work, seeing my children on my annual visits, getting up and getting ready for work, arriving at work, getting on the subway at rush hour.
Last night, a troubled church member called me to tell me he was waiting for me at my door. I was on the subway coming home late from 1:1 training. Iamprsquod already spent hours with this person earlier in the day. I wasnamprsquot prepared to give more and told him to go home. When I told my wife about the incident, she upbraided me. She was Godamprsquos messenger convicting me of my sin and I called the member to apologize. I called again this morning to check on his state and encourage him to come to worship tonight.
Application: bring a new notebook and pen for my troubled member and encourage him to take a few notes on the sermon so we can share a little afterwards.
Lord, keep me mindful of my sinful inclination towards anger and impatience. Inspire me to pray before I enter situations that have triggered my sin so that I might be a peacemaker and not a warmonger.
