Today’s passage is Numbers 9:1-14. God tells Moses to celebrate the Passover. Those who are ceremonially unclean because of touching a dead body want to know how they can join. Moses asks God, who says they can do it one month later. All foreigners must celebrate too.
What is my question?
In the popular game Jeopardy the answers must be given in question form. Questions are the answers. Our brains are designed by God to ask questions and seek answers. In today’s passage we see the Israelites asking Moses a question he doesn’t know the answer to. He then asks God the same question and God gives him the answer.
Most of my questions are simple.
I’m looking for a fact and Google gives me the answer.
The danger of Google is that, because I enjoy those simple answers, I don’t want to ask hard questions, the questions that potentially mean I will have to change. And I don’t like people asking me hard questions like, “Why didn’t you see that your first wife was an alcoholic?”
And I really didn’t like my present wife asking me, “Why didn’t you see that I was depressed? Don’t you care about me?”
To my shame and infinite regret, those are the questions I needed to ask God but didn’t. I tried to answer them myself and I didn’t find any real answer other than that I had failed to love deeply and sacrificially, as Jesus did and as Paul in his letters tells me to love. I have mostly loved selfishly, which can hardly be called love.
When I say I love you, I believe I mean it, but my actions seem to indicate that I really mean “Please serve me” instead of “I will serve you.”
Marriage is hard. Really hard. It’s hard because I have to see myself in someone else’s eyes, someone I love and want to be with. And what my wife sees is a selfish, self-centred guy, which means I have to see myself that way too. I think this is what Pastor Kim means when she says that for married couples 1 plus 1 equals 1, not two. Half of me needs to change.
To change I need to repent and make an application that shows I have changed and am in the process of changing. It can’t be a lot of words acknowledging I need to change. I have to actually change. I have to give up something I value, something I think is important. In fact, I have to give up what I have been making more important than loving my wife but being wilfully blind to it. I have to give up what I have been showing my wife is more important than she is. She sees what is more important by where I’m spending time and what I’m demanding from her.
My excuse is always “I don’t have time I have to do these other things.” But that’s a lie. It means I love myself more. Jesus said to love your neighbour as yourself. My wife is my neighbour and I’m not loving her as much as I love myself. My actions betray that.
So, what do I do to change?
I have two small changes I can make immediately.
One is to stop staying late at school and inconveniencing her.
The other is to share what I learn in Korean class and practice with her. Those are my applications.
Lord, forgive me for being a selfish coward and not coming to you with the hard questions that will help me repent and change and show my love for you.
