Today’s passage is Numbers 3:40-51.
The Lord tells Moses to count the number of firstborn Israelite males one month or older. Because the number is 273 greater than the firstborn males of the Levites, who all belong to God, the Lord tells Moses to collect five shekels for each one to redeem them and give the money to Aaron and his sons.
Possessive and Ungrateful
My wife works hard for my salvation but I’m not immediately grateful.
It takes me a while to thank her and thank God for giving her to me.
She suffers a long time, waiting for the moment to confront me. She does it in a gentle way with a gentle voice but it feels like a big hammer. Although I hear the truth in her words, I don’t want to listen because I don’t want to admit and accept the truth that will help me on my spiritual walk.
I’m like a petulant child. I’m stubborn in my ways and comfortable in my complaints.
To change, even for my own benefit, is not welcome.
This morning, before I even got to my QT, was one of those times. The subject was my daughter Tess and my attitude towards her, her mother, and the situation her mother has got herself in and which both of them have complained to me about.
My problem was that I couldn’t separate my sin and my fault from the circumstances of Tess’s l life after she was born.
My sins were committing adultery with Mallory and then making a baby with her before I married her.
God allowed the pregnancy and birth.
My sin was not keeping the proper order of marriage first, then the baby.
Mallory never wanted to marry, she only wanted a baby. I wanted marriage and a baby but I acted out of proper sequence.
The baby came but not the marriage.
Soon after my first wife died I lost my teaching job in the US.
Without the job, I had no work visa and was required to leave by law. If Mallory and I had married, I could’ve stayed. But after Tess was born, Mallory wanted me to leave too. I was doubly rejected, first by the law of the land, then by Mallory.
Tess was six months old when I left.
I have been troubled with the guilt of my sin ever since, and that guilt has clouded my life, extending to where it did not belong.
I had nothing to do with Tess’s upbringing or with any of the choices Mallory made for herself and Tess, but I felt guilty about them.
Instead of repenting of my initial sin and accepting God’s forgiveness and looking to God for help and guidance, I clutched my guilt to me like a cape, blocking God. It has discolored my life since that time.
This morning my wife confronted me about my situation and showed me that by holding onto my guilt and being guilty about things that had nothing to do with me I was rejecting God.
Mallory’s rejection of me led me to reject God. Why? Because by keeping the burden of my guilt I was avoiding coming face to face with God. Keeping my guilt meant I was keeping my life to myself and not giving it to God.
And by blocking God in my life, I was blocking my salvation and I was blocking a deeper, happier relationship with my wife.
Holding onto my guilt mean I was not able to see myself or others in a clearer light.
I was not able to be a help to my wife in her sickness. It also meant I was not able to give her to God because I couldn’t see that I should.
Worse, I couldn#039t help my most troubled mogwon who has such serious suffering.
Application: I sent a letter of love to Tess along with the story of her mother and me as my first step of repentance.
Lord, help me repent truly of my sin. Forgive me, I pray. Free me from my guilt and let me walk in your gracious light.
