Today's passage is Matthew 5:13-20.
Jesus says we are salt and light and must be put to use. He says he did not come to abolish the Law and Prophets but to fulfill them. Our righteousness must exceed the Pharisees in order to get into heaven.
I struggle with fulfilling my responsibilities.
In part this is because my parents, especially my mother, made me the favorite child.
I was made into a little idol. In my mother's eyes I was always at the top of the pyramid of other kids.
I didn't want to be at the top. I didn't want to be the best.
The pressure was too much for me. I wanted to be in the middle.
#65279;Even when I was at the top of something like swimming, I still didn't want to be there.
I just wanted to swim around and enjoy things.
As I got older, I would purposely fail at things so that I wouldn't have to be at the top in my mother's eyes. It didn't work.
Somehow she ignored my failures and put me back on the top of the pyramid.
As I got older, I began to avoid responsibility.
I would refuse to be team captain and class president.
In every responsibility, I saw the shadow of my mother's hand.
#65279; Avoiding responsibility and looking for failure became a habit and I did it unconsciously.
Many people wondered why someone with good potential seemed to screw up at the last moment.
My PhD is a good example.
After racing through the program with high grades and the high expectations of many, I wrote a piece of rubbish as my dissertation and failed my degree.
That way my mother could not brag about me.
My mother may have been highly influential in my attitude and behavior but at some point I have to take the blame, which disastrous events in my life have helped me do.
#65279;
As CS Lewis said, suffering is the megaphone God uses to get our attention.
Trying to fulfill my responsibility as a husband is my focus right now.
In the past I have tried to abolish that responsibility and make my husband role one of selfish pleasure.
I tried to make my wife do all the hard things in our marriage so I could be free to play.
I did it in my first marriage and I do it in my current one.
One example is my brother in law.
I agreed that he could live with us but I left all the care and trouble and training of him to my wife#65279;.
She has had immense stress because of his prideful attitude and careless, thoughtless behavior. He's a lot like me!
At long last I saw clearly that I was the one who had to deal with him.
I had to chastize him and I had to encourage him. My wife can translate for me.
So last night I had my first talk with him.
I am the husband of Jin Kyeong. This means I have a duty, a responsibility towards her and her well being.
This includes helping her deal with her family members for their salvation.
It means supporting her actively, not running away and trying to hide until she's finished yelling at her brother.
My mother tried to teach me that I have a special life.
But there is no special life.
There is only ordinary life where I am.
I am called to fulfill my roles not abolish them for my pleasure.
